These are my thoughts, my dreams, the words I'll never say out loud... Here, what you'll find, is me!
Could it be?
Am I finally going to meet you?
Are you the one I’m looking for?
Did you finally come into my life?
Soon I’ll know.
I’m shooting for the stars!!!
And it feels great!
What happens when all your dreams are killed or defered indefinitely by the circumstances of life?
When something is wrong, you should say so. Scream if necessary! Don’t hold it inside. It can be so tiring…. I should know… I’m always holding it up! The anger in me just grows and grows and I end up in my room screaming at a pillow instead of someone’s face! It’s relieving but it’s not the same as telling it to the right person. It’s always there, hidden…. and it may cause you to loose your temper over something insignificant as it just keeps adding up.
There I was, in the bath tub in the middle of the night because it felt like the only place in the hotel room where I could be alone… In the hotel actually… So there I was… Crying until it hurt, filled with negative thoughts, negative energy…
Sometimes life just sucks…. But I gotta be honest… I Love Life! This life only happens once. Even if it sucks you’re never gonna experience the some thing again ever. So I try to take as much as I can. Even when it sucks. That’s when you learn things you’ll never forget for the rest of your life. AND what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. When you wake up and you feel like your life sucks and you start thinking about the things you have to deal with on your every-shitty-day, stop and to think about this: with every-shitty-day that passes, you get stronger; the more shitty-days you have to endure, the stronger you’ll get; and the day will come when you’ll use that strength to kick that shit outta of your life and finally start waking up to an always beautiful day.
We can’t or shouldn’t always be remembering the bad times and “hoping for the best but expecting the worst”. Live is meant to Love. Be Happy. Believe in the Good! How is the world suppose to change for the best if we keep expecting the worst about everyone and everything? Optimism is a quality all dreamers share. Without optimism we can’t overcome the obstacles that come in our life. Be positive, believe, dream, follow, overcome, Love! And in the end you will have Lived!
Last night I couldn’t sleep… I felt too much pain… I needed to get away from everything. I grabbed my pillow and a blanket and went upstairs and opened the door to the balcony outside (It’s beautiful: large, no roof, not very high and somehow cozy… But hardly anyone goes there…) When I looked at the stars and I was surprised to see so many of them! One star spooked me at first because of it’s size! It was huge! (Maybe it was Mars…) The moon was lower in the sky, orange and crescent, hidden behind a tree.
I wrote all that last night, I couldn’t sleep again, I was feeling pretty bad… As you’ll see when you read it… But I must say that I’m feeling much better this morning… Afternoon… I had to let it out I guess… I still hope things will go my way… This is what I wrote:
“I don’t even know what to write… I just… I can’t even put to words what I feel right now… about everything in my life! It’s as if I’ve been waiting these last 5 years for things to get better, I’ve been waiting for the day when I would be free, and happy and on my way to a successful life! A life dedicated to follow my dreams, my voice within… I know realize that that day isn’t coming so soon and that I’m wasting the best years of my life waiting on a dream that can never be, because I can’t just leave. I’ll have to endure it for at least 6 more years! And it’s not going to get any easier! I cry every night now! I feel like Rapunzel, locked up in a tower, in my big castle… If only I could find a way out… But all the doors are locked for me and I’m afraid to fight against the dragon by myself! Every time I even dare to speak of it (because I think about it a lot!), I’m defeated. There’s just no way out! How much more can I stand before I go mad? Sometimes I think I’m already getting a little depressive… I find myself wishing for it all to end, just to let go of everything and finally be free. Enough suffering… I want to go home! And these thoughts scare me… This is not me! Here, I’m not me. I miss Me. I want to be Me again, I want to go back to My life!
But I can’t! I just can’t!!! When will this end, God? When?!
I guess this is what happens when you give up on your dreams because of other people… In my case those people are the family closest to me… Is this my punishment? No… Not punishment, just the consequences of giving up on My dreams because of the dreams of Others and what They want, because they’re family and theoretically they do know better…
I hate myself for not having the courage to go forward and fight them all!!! It is my life! My happiness! I am not happy… I used to be… 5 years ago, I used to be… That’s just the way life is… One day you have everything and in the next, it all comes tumbling down until it can’t get any deeper…
There’s only one person that could make it all right again. But that’s the same person that keeps pushing me off a cliff. And he doesn’t even notice it… I can’t even talk to him about how I feel! He doesn’t listen to me! It’s as if he lives in the XIX century! He can’t even bare to see me cry! He locks up he’s feeling with the best armory there is and expects me to do the same. Unfortunately to him, and maybe to me, my eyes deceive me all the time… I just cry like a baby! And he hasn’t seen it all… Thank God! Because he would definitely say something stupid, hurtful… just so STUPID (!), and I would cry even more. One single word from that man can make my life miserable. He never says nice things so I don’t know if he has the power to make everything alright with just one word as well… Even the Grinch grew a heart and started treating everyone nicely! Why can’t he? He already has a heart (behind all that armor…)! What the hell is wrong with HIM?! He’s so primitive, sexist, always making up rules and principles to he’s benefit… He never shows any affection, not to me anyway… Well, he likes to call me names as fatty or dumb which is his way of showing affection towards me… How can anyone love a man like that! Why do I keep letting him hurt me like that? Why do I even care about him and he’s feelings? Why?! He provides me food and shelter and for that I should be thankful… and I travel with them on holidays to lots of places… But that just isn’t enough for me! There’s more to life than material things! I’m exhausted!! I don’t want this life anymore! I keep waiting on the years to pass, hoping for better times, but they never come! There’s always something wrong to his eyes, he criticizes everything I do! I can’t live like that! I’m so tired of it all… He has absolutely no reason to act like that. No reason at all. Everyone who knows me, knows this. I’m the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect teenager. Nothing to complain…
God, please… Just take me out of here! You gave me this second life… Now it’s time to give a third one similar to first one I had 5 years ago. One where I can be happy more than just a few moments! I’m tired of being strong and pretending that everything is fine, great even! It’s as if “I’m fine” is the only right answer to “How are you?”. I hate that question so much! If you say any other thing people will make you a thousand more questions!
I want freedom! Teenagers are all outside having fun, enjoying their early years and all that… While I stay home… waiting on time to pass, wishing that it were faster and sometimes that it would freeze forever in one moment or another. But mostly I’m just waiting… Because I can’t really do anything more! I’m wasting the best years of my life as I wait, but it’s as if I’m not allowed to have fun! Of course no one said that to me, but whenever I’m having fun they always say something that just ruins everything!
I’m so sad… deeply deeply sad! And I have no one to call… Maybe I do, but I don’t want to bother anyone. They might say that it’s ok, that I should always call, but deep down I know I’m bothering them… They have their lives, their problems… And I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. Here I go again… Being strong for others… I can’t help it.
I guess I better go to sleep now and keep hoping for better times… It’s all I got left: hope.”
Nothing like a new beginning!
Don’t worry about right choices. There are no “right” choices. You learn something from each choice you make. And every choice you make will lead you to another and another.. And with each choice you will learn something. Eventually you’ll end up making the “right” choice, what you think is “right” for you, for your life. Every road leads to Rome… Don’t forget your goals, your dreams. You’ll get to that finish line..
Life’s like a train and you’re the driver.
